Last night I watched a thousand footer, named ‘american integrity’, leave the Twin Ports and pull out onto the spring chop of our inland sea. After twenty two years in Duluth, I still marvel at how these ships move through open water. The gritty grand aesthetic equals an eye bending immensity, a slow soft rumble of engineered science, and enormity’s unbelievable ability to stay afloat.
I also balked at the name of the boat. Bah “american integrity”. What the fuck?! Thinking immediately about how our country’s support of Palestinian genocide equals corporate greed. I’d caught amazing interviews with student leaders on Democracy Now earlier in the day who shared organizing details about their take-overs of college campuses demanding divestment in Zionist regimes. My mind also grappled with the hypocrisy of “freedom”- as more anti-trans legislation passed in Texas this week and Florida enacted a near-total abortion ban yesterday. Bodies and relationships and countries are constantly being legislated and controlled and defined by oppressive social norms. As in ‘do gender, sex, relationships, “freedom'“ in one WSPC HeteroMonoNuclear way’. No thanks.
Over the last month, I’ve read six books by Asian authors. Uncurated, this collection came to me like most books do. They holler, tell me now’s the time, I hear them make their noise. Queer magic meets a constant literary thirst meets me listening raptly as my community (library, activists, queers, artists, rad local indie bookstore, slutty book adoring beLoveds, other writer/readers) shares what they’re reading.
The subtle power on the pages of these books is significant. One alone would have moved me. And with six, the collective wisdom has me pinned to printed text, staying up way too late, waking with tunnel dark circles under my eyes + a wilder awareness.
The six books have asked me to tune in, again/always/in new ways, to western culture’s oppressive social norms. Erase the preprogrammed thoughts and actions of externally deemed “importance”. The books tell me to court emptiness instead of americana’s constant consumerism. They invite me into an even queerer practice of being present in the moment- to see the ‘ship’, no matter how enormous, as the distance between now and the future. Imagine the self of the future and the self of the past coming together now for the first time. Rather than listen to external definitions of success, i.e. move through life using an absolute or universal yardstick, practice the self of the past accepting the self of the present and the self of the present accepting who one was. Life comes full circle, the ship comes back to the port. I emanate a more peaceful and powerful (as in connected to Love) presence.
There’s an affirming spaciousness in the six books and my long walks next to the bigLake. As I continue to queer my life, cry about injustice/organize for collective liberation, I lean into what I know best about myself. I need time. I’ve always desired enormous amounts of it. Time to rest, time to think, time to do what I like, time to reflect. It is a privilege and a way to unapologetically care for my sensory self, my community, the world.
I define my life as satisfying because of this time.- and by the well resourced connections I nurture. I live a life surrounded by kind people and sustain an erotic ethic informed by wildness. It may not be ‘successful’ defined by society, but thanks to all the queer magic around me, everyday I am in relationship with pleasure and my personal definition of integrity as a practice of collective love and liberation. Instead of conforming, consuming, chasing after, competing, my queering of ‘american integrity’ constantly offers new ways to be in relationship with other beings, big water, books and say loudly WTF big money.
I offer profound love and thanks to the authors of these six books who help me grow queerer honesties with self+other and a subtle humility for all the bigLake continues to bring into my life- big boats included. And isn’t it about time we rename the vessel for what it really is?