Moving beyond monogamous fragility-part II
At a queer wedding last weekend in St Croix St Park, I watched two folx (one whom I call 501 friend) declare that theirs is a great love. On an absolutely perfect October day in northern Minnesota, they exchanged vows and committed to the life they’re building together as a monogamous couple.
501 friend and I spent endless hours last summer (before they met their now partner) kayaking in estuary waters talking love, relationship, family and poly/mono frameworks and practice. We both enjoy deep dives, resurfacing exhausted- smarter and more self aware. One night under a insanely star-ed up sky, 501 friend asked me many questions about my poly identity. We volleyed ideas back and forth about how to build and sustain relationship.
The beauty in the exchange was as bright as the night scape. I’m a person committed to doing relationship differently than most folx around me in northern Minnesota. After our conversation, I felt heard, respected by and closer to 501 friend. While we have different approaches to and desires for amorous adventures. my poly reality was never pushed to the margins.
I coined the term monogamous fragility not from a place of judgment but of discernment and commitment to my own liberation. Words allow me to define and design my own experience. The above positive and expansive exchange with 501 friend felt precious. For poly folx, it takes critical amounts of energy to insert our practice into conversations, media, art, and community. I want all folx queering love and relationship (as in shrugging off dominant culture) to move through the world with our realities more centered, supported, and respected. I want all monogamous folx to be as curious as 501 friend and commit to educating themselves. Yes to us all working to decolonize relationships.
DEF white fragility noun (as coined by author Robin DiAngelo) 1. discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person when confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice. "her indignant reaction comes off as the quintessential combination of white fragility and white privilege".
Monogamous fragility shares space with white fragility -also with male fragility, abled body fragility, etc. the list goes on. White supremacy and the patriarchy didn’t/doesn’t teach us to be in right relationship with anything. This is a time of reckoning with and relinquishing power.
I dream of healing opportunities that will move us beyond the fragility of monogamy. I also acknowledge systemic racism and monogamous fragility are vastly different. And as we recommit to radical, expansive freedoms for all, I imagine new, queerer, more pleasurable intersections and crossroads with relationship. Let’s stand together and move beyond the limiting cultural constructs of monogamy or any relationship/power structure for that matter.
adrienne maree brown writes in her brilliant post a word for white people, “I don’t want the apology without the shifts in behavior, policy and access to power. Consider that we see and feel things you do not because they’re weaponized against us, weighted against us, limiting us. We aren’t generalizing or reducing you, we are protecting our vulnerability. With your privilege, work to redistribute resources. redistribute money, leadership positions, decision-making power, time in meetings, visionary space, relationships with philanthropy, speaking opportunities, press attention, health care benefits – if you can measure it, you can redistribute the resource.“
Let’s redistribute the resources and weight of our lived stories. Let’s collectively insert the value of difference into existing, dominant narratives. Let’s collectively move beyond normative paradigms to re-generative alternatives. As Alexis Pauline Gumbs writes, “love is the longest word on the practice of freedom”. Let’s proudly practice love in ways that will forever lend more freedom and pleasure to the world.